How to Date a Defensive Person: Navigating Criticism Sensitivity

Understanding the Situation

Your partner is defensive and you can't address issues without fight. When you: raise any concern (no matter how gently—defensiveness), ask question (even neutrally—taking wrong), or suggest anything (however softly—reacting), they: immediately defensive (walls up—protecting), make excuses (justifying—not hearing actual concern), deflect to you ('Well you do this'—attacking back), become upset (emotional—triggered), shut down (withdrawing—avoiding), or deny completely ('I didn't do that'—invalidating your perception). This creates: you walking on eggshells (can't bring anything up—suppressing), issues never addressed (their defensiveness prevents discussion—festering), resentment building (both sides—accumulating), and fake harmony (avoiding all feedback—inauthentic). You feel: frustrated (can't communicate—blocked), blamed (they deflect to you—reversing), lonely (can't be honest—disconnected), or exhausted (every conversation becomes fight—draining). You've tried: being gentle (still defensive—not enough), waiting for good time (still reacts badly—timing doesn't help), or avoiding issues (suppressing—suffering silently). You wonder: How do I give feedback? Why so sensitive? Will they ever hear me? Can relationship work without addressing issues?

What You Should Do (Step-by-Step)

• 1

  Use Extremely Soft Approach—'Compliment Sandwich' Method

  Defensive people: need maximum gentleness (minimizing threat—soft approach), so use: sandwich method (positive-concern-positive—softening). Structure: start with genuine appreciation ('I really appreciate how you...'—positive specific), address concern gently ('One thing I'm hoping we can work on...'—soft framing), end with affirmation ('I love you and know we can figure this out'—security). This: reduces threat perception (buffered—softened), proves: you're not just attacking (balanced—seeing whole person), and maintains: security (relationship safe—not destroying). Don't: launch into criticism immediately (maximum threat—triggering), use 'but' ('I love you but...'—negates positive), or be insincere (obviously manipulative—transparent). Do: mean the positives (genuine—authentic), frame concern: as collaborative ('How can we...'—team), and end: warmly (reassuring—secure). Tone: matters enormously (soft, warm—not harsh), facial expression: gentle (not stern—approachable), and body language: open (not aggressive—inviting). Start positive: specific appreciation (genuine praise—recent example), make substantial (not throwaway—meaningful), and authentic (truly felt—not manipulative). Address concern: 'I feel...' (I-statement—owning feelings), specific behavior ('When X happened'—concrete not character), impact on you ('I felt Y'—your experience), and invitation ('Can we discuss?'—collaborative). End positive: relationship affirmation ('I value us'—security), faith in resolution ('I know we can work this out'—optimistic), and warmth (physical touch, soft tone—connection). This method: works better than direct approach (less threatening—more receptive), but requires: genuineness (not manipulation—authentic), and still: might get some defensiveness (deeply ingrained—managing). Extremely soft approach; compliment sandwich; genuine positives first; I-statements; specific not general; end with affirmation; gentle tone crucial.

• 2

  Use 'I' Statements—Own Your Feelings Not Attack Them

  'You' statements: feel like attacks ('You did X'—accusatory), 'I' statements: share your experience ('I felt Y'—ownership). Instead of: 'You ignored me' (attacking—blaming), say: 'I felt unheard when...' (your feeling—not attack). Instead of: 'You're always late' (character—generalizing), say: 'I feel anxious when plans change last minute' (your experience—specific). Instead of: 'You don't care about me' (accusation—mind-reading), say: 'I felt hurt when X happened' (your feeling—owning). Format: 'When X happened, I felt Y, because Z' (situation, feeling, impact—structured), not: 'You did X and you're Y' (attacking—blaming). This: makes feedback about you (your experience—not attacking them), reduces: threat perception (not being accused—less defensive), and invites: empathy (hearing your feelings—connecting). They can't: argue with your feelings (subjective—valid), but can: argue with accusations (defending—protecting), so I-statements: bypass defense more effectively (different approach—less threatening). Don't: disguised you-statements ('I feel like you're selfish'—still attacking), judgments ('I feel that you're wrong'—disguised criticism), or mind-reading ('I feel that you don't care'—assumption). Do: actual feelings (sad, hurt, anxious, frustrated—emotions), your experience (what happened for you—subjective), and your needs (what you need going forward—constructive). Examples: 'I felt disappointed when...' (emotion—owning), 'I need more communication about...' (request—constructive), 'I'm worried about...' (feeling—vulnerable), 'I appreciate when you...' (positive—reinforcing). I-statements: less threatening (about you—not attacking them), more productive (inviting empathy—connecting), and harder: to defend against (your feelings valid—not disputable). Still might: get defensive (deeply ingrained—automatic), but less: intense (reduced threat—milder reaction). Use I-statements; own your feelings; when X I felt Y; not you are/you did; reduces threat; harder to defend against your feelings; more productive.

• 3

  Be Specific Not General—Concrete Behavior Not Character

  General statements: feel like character attacks ('You always...'—attacking identity), specific: address behavior (one instance—manageable). Instead of: 'You never listen' (general, absolute—character attack), say: 'Yesterday when I was talking about my day, you were on your phone' (specific instance—behavior). Instead of: 'You're so selfish' (character—identity attack), say: 'When you made plans without asking me first, I felt left out' (specific behavior—concrete). Instead of: 'You don't care about me' (sweeping—assumption), say: 'I felt uncared for when you didn't ask how my appointment went' (specific moment—behavior). General and absolute: trigger maximum defense (character threatened—protecting identity), specific: easier to hear (one behavior—not whole self). Words to avoid: always, never, constantly (absolutes—triggering), you are (identity—attacking character). Words to use: when, yesterday, this morning (specific time—concrete), this happened (behavior—not character). This: makes issue manageable (one thing—not everything), shows: you see whole person (not just flaws—balanced), and allows: constructive discussion (specific behavior changeable—actionable). They can: potentially address specific behavior (concrete action—workable), can't: address character accusation (too big, identity-threatening—defending). Also: be factual not interpretive (what happened—not why), avoid: mind-reading ('You don't care'—assumption), stick: to observable behavior (what you saw/heard—factual). Example: Instead of 'You ignored me because you don't care' (interpretation+character—maximum defense), say: 'When I texted you about my bad day, I didn't hear back for 6 hours' (factual+specific—minimal threat). Being specific: reduces defensiveness (manageable—less threatening), increases: likelihood of productive discussion (actionable—concrete), and feels: fairer (not character assassination—balanced observation). Be specific not general; one instance not always/never; behavior not character; factual not interpretive; concrete and actionable; reduces defensiveness.

• 4

  Choose Timing Carefully—Calm Private Moments Not Heat

  Timing: affects receptivity enormously (right time vs wrong—success likelihood), so choose: strategically (intentional—increasing odds). Best timing: both calm and rested (regulated—receptive), private (no audience—safe), relaxed moment (not stressed—open), and feeling connected (recent positive—secure). Worst timing: during argument (already activated—maximally defensive), when stressed or tired (depleted—low capacity), in public or with others (audience—humiliating), after other criticism (accumulated—overload), or when disconnected (insecure—threatened). Don't: bring up in heat of moment (escalating—worst time), ambush (unprepared—defensive), or pile on (multiple issues—overwhelming). Do: plan timing (choosing moment—strategic), potentially: ask permission ('Is now okay to discuss something?'—giving control), and ensure: both in good state (regulated, calm—receptive). Good moments: during calm evening (relaxed—open), after positive experience (connected—secure), weekend morning (rested, unhurried—capacity), or during walk (side-by-side, activity—less intense). During calm: nervous system not activated (receptive state—able to hear), feeling: secure in relationship (recent connection—not threatened), and capacity: for difficult conversation (energy and regulation—capable). When already activated: can't hear feedback (defensive mode—protecting), everything: sounds like attack (threat perception heightened—sensitive), and will: react maximally (protection engaged—fighting). If bad timing: table it ('Let's discuss this later when we're both calm'—postponing), don't: force (making worse—entrenching), and wait: for better moment (strategic—patience). Even with: perfect timing (ideal moment—best chance), still might: get defensive (deeply ingrained—automatic), but odds: much better (reduced threat—more receptive). Choose timing strategically; calm private moments; both regulated; avoid heat of moment or stress; ask permission; side-by-side activities help; timing affects receptivity enormously.

• 5

  Appreciate Non-Defensive Responses—Positive Reinforcement

  When they: receive feedback without defending (even slightly—progress), appreciate explicitly (positive reinforcement—encouraging more). If they: listen without interrupting (hearing—appreciating), acknowledge your feelings (validating—grateful), consider their behavior (reflecting—thanking), or work on changing (effort—celebrating)—appreciate all of it. Say: 'Thank you for hearing me' (gratitude—reinforcing), 'I really appreciate you listening' (acknowledging—validating), 'It means a lot that you're considering this' (recognizing effort—encouraging), or 'I know that was hard, thanks for staying open' (empathy+appreciation—supporting). This: creates positive association (feedback has good outcomes—learning), reinforces: non-defensive response (operant conditioning—encouraging behavior), and builds: willingness (worth it—positive experience). Don't: take non-defensiveness for granted (missing opportunity—not reinforcing), immediately: push further ('And another thing...'—taking advantage), or criticize: quality of response ('Well you barely listened'—negating progress). Do: appreciate genuinely (sincere—heartfelt), highlight: growth ('You're getting better at this'—encouraging trajectory), and end: warmly (connection—positive outcome). After feedback: if they responded well (non-defensively—progress), reconnect warmly (hug, affection—proving relationship okay), express: gratitude (appreciation—reinforcing), and show: closeness increased (intimacy reward—positive association). They need: to experience feedback as ultimately positive (despite discomfort—net good), which requires: you making it so (intentional—creating association), through: appreciation, warmth, and connection (reinforcing—encouraging). Over time: repeated positive experiences (feedback didn't destroy, was appreciated—new learning), reduces: defensive response (less threatening—safer), and builds: capacity (can handle feedback—developing). Negative reinforcement: would be continuing to criticize (punishment—discouraging), or staying disconnected (withholding—making feedback entirely negative). Positive reinforcement: appreciation, warmth, reconnection (reward—encouraging more openness). Behavioral conditioning: works (consistent positive response—increasing non-defensive behavior). Appreciate non-defensive responses; positive reinforcement; thank them for hearing; highlight growth; reconnect warmly; creates positive association; encourages more openness.

• 6

  Address Underlying Insecurity—Building Core Security

  Defensiveness: stems from insecurity (worthiness issues—shame-based), so addressing: root cause helps pattern (healing foundation—reducing need to defend). Build security through: regular appreciation (seeing positive—affirming worth), affirming: unconditional acceptance ('I love you even when imperfect'—security), showing: imperfection is okay (modeling—demonstrating), and encouraging: therapy (professional healing—addressing roots). Regular appreciation: specific and genuine praise (meaningful—building worth), for: who they are and what they do (balanced—comprehensive), frequently (not just criticism—positive outweighs), and authentically (truly felt—not manipulative). Show: unconditional acceptance (love despite flaws—security), that feedback: doesn't mean you don't love them ('I'm sharing because I care about us'—clarifying), and imperfection: is human and okay (normalizing—reducing shame). Model: your own imperfection (admitting mistakes—demonstrating okay), receiving: feedback gracefully (showing how—teaching), and self-compassion (being kind to yourself—modeling). Encourage: therapy for deeper work (professional addressing insecurity—healing shame), building: self-worth independent of perfection (unconditional self-acceptance—foundation), and learning: to tolerate feedback (distress tolerance—capacity). Don't: criticize their insecurity ('You're so insecure'—confirming inadequacy), use: worth as leverage ('Be better or I'll leave'—threatening), or make: acceptance conditional (proving their fear—reinforcing insecurity). Do: show consistent love (regardless of performance—security), appreciate often (positive outweighs negative—building worth), and address: pattern compassionately (understanding roots—healing approach). Therapy helps: heal shame (deep work—processing), build: self-worth (intrinsic value—not performance-based), and develop: capacity for feedback (distress tolerance—sitting with imperfection). As security: increases (worth stabilizes—healing), defensiveness: decreases (less threat perceived—reduced need to protect). Building security: is long-term investment (months to years—foundational), but reduces: defensive reactions (less insecure—less protecting). Address insecurity; regular appreciation; unconditional acceptance; therapy for deep work; model imperfection okay; build core security; reduces need to defend.

• 7

  Suggest Therapy—Learning to Receive Feedback

  Defensive pattern: often requires professional help (deeply ingrained—expert guidance), therapy teaches: receiving feedback without protecting (skill-building—capacity), addressing: underlying shame and insecurity (healing roots—deep work). Suggest: gently and supportively ('Therapy could help with receiving feedback'—resource not criticism), emphasize: benefits for them (less distress, better relationships—positive framing), and offer: to help find therapist (support—facilitating). Therapy works on: identifying defensive triggers (awareness—catching automatic response), challenging: threat perception ('Feedback doesn't mean I'm defective'—cognitive work), developing: distress tolerance (sitting with discomfort—capacity building), learning: to separate feedback from identity (behavior vs self—distinction), and healing: underlying shame and insecurity (deep work—roots). Don't: demand therapy (forcing—resistant), frame as 'you're broken' (confirming insecurity—shaming), or threaten ('Therapy or I leave'—ultimatum without patience). Do: normalize ('Many people work on this'—common), explain: it's skill-building (not fixing defect—learning), and suggest: types (individual, couples—options). If they're: defensive about therapy suggestion (ironically—predictable), use: gentle approach ('I think we could both benefit from working on communication'—collaborative), frame: as growth opportunity (positive—not pathologizing), and leave: door open (not forcing—allowing). Couples therapy: can work on pattern together (joint—collaborative), therapist: mediates feedback (safe environment—professional guidance), and teaches: both communication skills (tools—developing). Individual therapy: addresses their insecurity (roots—deep healing), builds: self-worth (foundation—worth not dependent on perfection), and develops: feedback reception skills (capacity—practicing with therapist). Even if: they won't go (choice—respecting), you can: go yourself (learning to navigate, processing frustration—your work), getting: tools for softer communication (professional guidance—strategies). Defensiveness: significantly improves with therapy (professional intervention—effective), but requires: their willingness (must want to change—commitment). Suggest therapy supportively; receiving feedback skills; addressing shame and insecurity; normalize; couples or individual; accelerates improvement significantly; you can go even if they won't.

• 8

  Assess Whether Pattern is Sustainable—Long-term Compatibility

  After: reasonable effort (months to year—genuine trial), extremely gentle approaches (doing everything right—your part), and their effort if any (therapy, trying—willingness), assess: Can I sustain this? Can we function? Are they improving? (honest evaluation). Functional if: some feedback eventually lands (they hear sometimes—adequate), they're working on it (therapy, trying—engaged), improving trajectory (less defensive—progress), and you're: able to address critical issues (functional—minimum). Dysfunctional if: no feedback possible ever (total defensiveness—non-functioning), they refuse to work on it (dismissing, no therapy—unwilling), worsening (more defensive—regressing), or you're: exhausted from walking on eggshells (depleted—unsustainable). Questions: Can critical issues be raised? (must-address topics—capability), Do they ever hear feedback? (sometimes receptive—adequate), Are they working on pattern? (therapy, trying—effort), Is it improving? (trajectory—changing), and Can I sustain this approach? (extreme gentleness required—your capacity). Stay if: functional enough (critical issues can be addressed with effort—adequate), improving (less defensive—progress), they're working on it (therapy, self-awareness—engaged), and you: can sustain (not depleted—manageable). Leave if: completely dysfunctional (can't raise anything—non-functioning), no improvement despite efforts (stagnant or worse—not changing), they refuse to work on it (dismissing, no therapy—unwilling), or you're: chronically exhausted (walking on eggshells—suffering). Realistic: defensiveness can improve (with therapy and work—substantial change), but requires: their commitment (must want to change—working on insecurity), your: extreme patience and gentle approach (consistently—maintaining), and time (months to years—gradual). After year: of genuine effort from both (your gentle approach, their therapy/work—trying), should see: noticeable improvement (less defensive—trajectory positive), if not: might be incompatible (fundamental—honest assessment). You deserve: to address issues (functional—necessity), partner who works on patterns (growth—commitment), and relationship without constant eggshells (sustainable—livable). They deserve: patient gentle partner while improving (if working—supporting), or someone: who can tolerate high defensiveness (if unchanging—better match). Defensiveness: is exhausting for partner (constant care required—draining), and they must: work on it for sustainability (improving—necessity). Assess after reasonable time; can critical issues be raised; are they working on it; is it improving; stay if functional and improving; leave if dysfunctional or refusing to work; both deserve compatibility.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

• Being Too Direct—Triggering Maximum Defense

  Why: If you: give feedback directly ('You did X and it's a problem'—straightforward), even if factually correct and neutrally said, defensive people: hear attack (threat perceived—protecting). Direct approach: works with secure people (receptive—mature), fails with defensive: (maximum protection triggered—walls up). They need: extremely indirect approach (softened—gentle), with: lots of buffering (positives, I-statements, careful framing—minimizing threat), and gentleness: beyond what seems necessary (excessive softness—required). What seems: overly gentle or even manipulative (to secure person—unnecessary coddling), is necessary: for defensive person to hear (reducing threat—enabling receptivity). Being direct: efficient and preferred normally (straightforward—mature communication), but with defensive: counterproductive (triggering shutdown—failing). You must: adjust communication style (more gentle—adapting), use: softening techniques (compliment sandwich, I-statements—buffering), and accept: indirect approach required (not ideal but necessary—accommodation). Don't: be blunt ('You need to stop X'—direct), even if: true and reasonable (facts don't matter—threat perception does). Do: be extremely soft ('I'm hoping we can discuss something'—gentle), even if: feels excessive (necessary—working with their capacity). Direct approach feels: more honest (straightforward—preferred), but with defensive: doesn't land (blocked by protection—ineffective), so softer: is actually more effective (paradoxically—achieving goal). Adjust approach; extremely gentle required; direct triggers maximum defense; soft indirect approach necessary even if feels excessive; effectiveness over directness.

• Giving Up on Feedback—Enabling and Suppressing

  Why: If you: stop giving feedback (avoiding—giving up), because always: defensive (exhausting—frustrating), you enable: pattern (no motivation to change—status quo), and suffer: silently (issues unaddressed—festering). Giving up: feels easier short-term (avoiding conflict—peace), but creates: long-term problems (resentment, dysfunction—accumulating), prevents: growth (no feedback means no improving—stagnant), and damages: relationship (inauthenticity, disconnection—eroding). You become: resentful (suppressing needs—building bitterness), they become: entitled (no accountability—unchecked), and relationship: erodes (unresolved issues—deteriorating). Instead: persist with better approach (gentle methods—continuing to address), address: pattern itself ('I need to be able to give feedback without it becoming a fight'—meta-conversation), and require: improvement (therapy, effort—working on it). Don't: silently suppress (martyring—suffering), or passively: enable (accepting without addressing—dysfunction), which: prevents necessary growth (both stuck—stagnating). Do: keep addressing issues (using gentle approaches—persisting), require: they work on pattern (therapy, self-awareness—improving), and establish: this is necessary ('We have to be able to discuss things'—insisting). If they: refuse to work on defensiveness (dismissing—unwilling), and you: give up on feedback (enabling—avoiding), relationship becomes: dysfunctional (no issue resolution—deteriorating). Feedback: is necessary for functioning (addressing issues—requirement), can't: just suppress forever (unsustainable—damaging), must: find way to make it work (approaches, their growth—solving). Giving up: might feel peaceful (avoiding conflict—immediate relief), but destroys: long-term health (unaddressed issues—erosion). Don't give up on feedback; persist with gentle approaches; address pattern itself; require improvement; suppressing enables and breeds resentment; feedback necessary for functioning.

• Matching Their Defensiveness—Escalating Conflict

  Why: If you: become defensive too (matching—reacting), getting: angry at their defensiveness ('Stop being so defensive!'—criticizing pattern), or attack back (escalating—fighting), you create: toxic cycle (mutual defensiveness—dysfunction). When they: defend (protecting—automatic), and you: attack their defending ('You can't take any criticism!'—meta-criticism), they: defend more intensely (confirming threat—protecting harder). Matching energy: escalates (both fighting—intensifying), prevents: productive resolution (neither hearing—gridlocked), and models: dysfunction (not better way—perpetuating). Instead: stay calm (regulated—not matching), don't: criticize their defensiveness in moment ('You're being defensive'—pointing out makes worse), and maintain: soft approach (gentle—de-escalating). Their defensiveness: is automatic (protective response—not choosing), pointing out: in moment (meta-criticism—additional attack), adds: another layer of defense ('Now I'm also wrong for defending'—compounding). Instead: address pattern later when calm (not during—meta-conversation separate), saying: 'I notice when I give feedback, you sometimes defend immediately' (observation—gentle), 'Can we work on this?' (collaborative—inviting solution). In moment: stay soft (gentle—not escalating), give: space if needed (allowing processing—respecting), and don't: engage in argument (not winning—de-escalating). You getting: defensive about their defensiveness (meta—layered), creates: infinite loop (mutual protection—gridlock), and prevents: any resolution (both blocked—stuck). Be: the regulated one (modeling—demonstrating), stay: gentle despite frustration (maintaining—consistent), and address: pattern separately not during (strategic—meta-conversation when calm). Your calm: might eventually help them calm (co-regulation—stabilizing), your matching: definitely makes worse (escalating—intensifying). Don't match defensiveness; stay calm; don't criticize their defending in moment; address pattern separately; your escalation makes worse; be regulated one; model better communication.

• Taking Their Defensiveness Personally—Making About You

  Why: If you: interpret their defensiveness as disrespect ('They don't value my input'—personalizing), rejection ('They don't care about my feelings'—taking as rejection), or dismissiveness ('They think my concerns don't matter'—assuming)—you misunderstand and escalate: own hurt (suffering more—additional pain). Their defensiveness: is about them (insecurity, shame—their issue), not about: you or your feedback's validity (separate—their capacity issue). Taking personally: increases your hurt (catastrophizing—distress), might: make you reactive (attacking back—escalating), and prevents: appropriate response (gentle approach—what actually helps). It's about: their fragility (low tolerance for feedback—capacity issue), their shame (inadequacy fears—worthiness issue), and their skills deficit (never learned to receive—lacking tools). It's not about: you being wrong (might be right—validity separate), your feedback: being invalid (could be very valid—truth independent), or them: not respecting you (might deeply respect—capacity separate from respect). Instead: recognize as their limitation (skill deficit—not about you), remind yourself: ('This is their insecurity, not my worth'—reframing), and respond: appropriately (extreme gentleness—what they need). Depersonalizing: reduces your hurt (realistic framing—less suffering), allows: more compassion (understanding—not anger), and enables: effective approach (strategic—not reactive). Their defensiveness: tells you about their insecurity level (capacity—awareness), not about: your value or feedback's merit (separate—independent). If you: take personally every time (making about you—suffering), you'll: be hurt constantly (reactive—distressed), and unable: to navigate effectively (too activated—not strategic). Separate: their response from your worth (independent—distinct), understand: capacity issue not rejection (framing—realistic), and respond: based on reality (extreme gentleness needed—strategic). Don't take personally; their defensiveness about them not you; their capacity issue not your worth; depersonalizing reduces hurt and improves response; separate their response from validity of your feedback.

• Public Criticism—Humiliating and Maximum Defense

  Why: If you: give feedback publicly (in front of friends, family, colleagues—audience present), even gently, you trigger: maximum defensiveness (humiliation—intense threat), and damage: relationship significantly (public shaming—violation). Public criticism: is humiliating (audience—exposed inadequacy), threatens: their image (others seeing flaws—social threat), and activates: intense protection (maximum defense—preserving face). Even: mildly defensive people (somewhat sensitive—normal), become: very defensive publicly (social threat—protecting image), and extremely: defensive people (already sensitive—heightened), will: react intensely or shut down (overwhelmed—maximum threat). Don't: give feedback with others present (audience—humiliating), mention: issues in front of people (exposing—shaming), or use: others as validation ('See, they agree you're wrong'—ganging up). Do: always address privately (alone—safe), wait: until private moment (holding feedback—timing), and protect: their dignity publicly (not exposing—respecting). If issue: arises publicly (situation—present), address: later privately ('Can we talk about that later?'—postponing), don't: engage in front of others (public discussion—avoiding). Public feedback: feels like shaming (exposed—humiliated), even if: you don't intend that (impact—perception), and will: trigger maximum defense or shutdown (protecting from social threat—intense reaction). Private feedback: already difficult for them (managing—challenging), public: makes exponentially worse (compounding—intense threat). Always: keep feedback completely private (one-on-one—safe), protecting: their dignity (not exposing—respecting), and giving: them safety to hear (private—reducing threat). Public criticism: is relationship-damaging always (violation—breaking trust), with defensive person: especially harmful (maximum threat—intense impact). Always private; never in front of others; public is humiliating and triggers maximum defense; protect their dignity; intensely damaging especially for defensive people.